letting out_a bit of myself

The other day I was feeling a bit blue, let’s say emotional, and I blamed it on the silly series I was watching and of course my period, it was that time of the month. Today, as I’m not even close to having my period I have no excuse to be feeling this way. I’ve been watching scrubs and I mean we all know that it is a comedy so why I have still been crying I have no idea. The concept of grand romantic gestures and the love of your life and this and that, I still ponder where inside me is that independent, strong girl that did not give a crap. I think a little bit about these moods and wonder how genetic depression really is, as if I look around the house I kind of see some images that, in the long run, I worry about. I guess I think about love and the people in my life, I think I could really respect my father more if he could help around the house, because I always see my mother struggle with so many things. I ponder how I could respect my brother more if he was not a jerk that doesn’t clean up after himself and doesn’t give a damn about anyone, but himself. I guess I could respect myself I bit more, at the end of the day If I was stronger. Wonder why I’ve not been happy lately with work and university, and ask why is this last year of my degree being so hard.

preocupations with love, life and rotine

I guess one of the hardest things to fight back is routine. Falling into a monotonous set of behaviors that actually helps us survive the unsettling constantly changing world.
But routine is no help for romance, for love life. It hurts it, and that worries me. Many things worry me though... I am a bit of a worry freak. I think about all the possible things that can go wrong and blame myself when they do. I guess tonight, as my body hurts my soul decided to join it. A cloud of thoughts knocks in my mind and my preoccupation with routine and the lack of romance hits me like a wave of emotions I really don't need, so I've been pushing down creating heavier waves. Tonight all I can think about is the difference between the beginning of a romantic relationship and the middle or so of it. How in the beginning nothing is more important than the other one, than satisfying the other part, showing them how much and how far, how real what we feels is. They come first and we show that, from the most simple attitudes to the most elaborate. Time goes by and life takes over, priorities change? Now everything else, work, the kids, the football games, the videogames, and so on... all these things somehow (and I really don't know how) somehow becomes more essential more immediately important. It is never just one parts fault, that I don't believe to be true, we all know relationships take two, two individuals "hard" work. I guess the line that defines how much "hard" work we need to put in, or how much "hard" work we feel we need to put in, i guess this line is damn hard to define.

Cycle of life

The complicated sentiment that you losing grip of the strings you held on to, so tightly.

Probably my sign of lack of maturity, trying so hard to hold on to a feeling of belonging, friendships in which so much seemed to be invested, a time a state of mind a frame of happiness, that's blown away... right in front me.

Perfect ending to the day

Close to the sea, the smell of freshness in the air. Bubbles flying in the windy night. The Moon, nearly totally full, shining bright on the water. The perfect sound to entertain the crowd, awaiting the finishing act. Fireworks. Colour, rythm and happy tears.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11c0aZQhn6M)

- Times when I feel so satisfied to be living. -

the ability to grow

Today, when I think about my past, i will a bit sad. Which actually reinforces the feeling. I just think to myself, i really hope i did the best or was the best i could have been at that time and place in my life. I hope my mistakes have shaped the person I am, the person I want to be.

Beautiful moments

The simplicity of chasing a ball...

What happens when you momentarily realize
you don’t feel close to the group of friends around you?

Really caring...

Sometimes I do ask myself if I really do care, if I care as much as I would like to say I do. Do I care enough to listen, to truly ask and process all the information I receive in reply?

I want to be someone who cares, who takes some time.

I wonder.

Is it that there is less need to care, care truly about others, about our family, about our friends? Are we just that little bit more self-centered? Or are we just loosing touch with what it means to care, to want to know, to be concerned, to ask questions and listen?

[the irony in stating online socially that something is not right and getting a "you can do it" "be strong" "hang in there" "tomorrow it will be better" reply!
... funny, would it not make a bit more sense to ask what is wrong, to talk, to show some genuine concern?]

I wonder.

Could we be loosing touch when it concerns emotional intelligence?

... Probably not. I'm probably just going through a more emotional phase...

Bus ride

Everytime I catch a bus I enjoy the ride it provides me, headphones in my ears and there I go... The amount of stories that each bus ride could share with the world is probably somewhat amazing!

This morning, I saw once more, a sight I had to smile at.
A few weeks ago this family at the bus stop made me smile. The woman caught the bus and left the man and young boy behind. As she walked into the bus until she sat down, she did not take her eyes off of them, waving and sending kisses the whole time. She sat down, but twisted toward the window so she could carry on saying goodbye. It just looked so carrying and sweet. I wondered if she might be leaving for a while, but there was no luggage.. if it was the first day of work and therefore leaving the confort of the house, if they were just so freaking in love...
So to my surprise, this morning, I saw once more, a sight I had to smile at.
There the couple were again, she got into the bus and could not take her eyes off of him. The young boy was not there today but still the woman sent kisses and waved goodbye until the bus was in motion and the man completely out of her sight.

Tell me the story of your life.

If I ask you, what is the story of your life... what would you tell me?

Would you speak about love, work, friends and family? Would it be a mixture or just one line of thought?


Maybe it is interesting to hear what people say. It seems to give away, maybe even more than the story itself, a lot about the person.

Lord give me the wisdom to accept I will not always understand everything; Lord give me the patience to accept what I cannot change; Lord give me the sanity my insanity needs.

Some words I wish I thought to say...

"Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple:
To be Happy.
Maybe it is the expectation though... the wanting to be Happy, that just keeps us from ever getting there!

Maybe the more we try and will ourselves to states of bliss the more confused we get.
To the point we don't recognize ourselves, instead we just keep smiling. Trying like Hell to be the happy people we wish we were.


Until Eventually it hits us. It has been here all along.

Not in our dreams and hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar!"

(From: Grey's Anatomy)

I carry so much emotion. I don't know where from it comes.

Hard Subjects / Contraversal Issues

The sentence “Living is better than dying, until it's not” stands out in my mind. The controversial issue of choosing to die instead of living.

The notion of loving someone with every part of your being but having that one single break or deal point, like one wanting a family the other not.

That hard look into your soul finding a sea of fearfulness that impedes true living scaring tears of regret.

Directions

Decision made. Future unknown! Excited to travel along the path doing the best I can.

Best decision?

To be A or to be B?



choosing, decision making, knowing which way to go...



I have never really been a fan of this activity. I consider myself a really poor decision maker.



At the moment I need to figure out if I want to do my masters in an area that I believe has always been my passion... though I have no certain proof it to be what moves me. Or better yet, no certainty that I will be able to cope with this area as it is also something that scares me. It ain't an easy area nor does it seem to provide a vivadly prosperous future (in this country at least).

On the other hand an area of masters that could provide a more solid ground financially (especially in this country) and hopefully also and area of interest.

Unfortunatly there are no certain ideas, there is no way to say that if I do this or that, x or y will definitly be the outcome. On the other hand maybe that is a good thing, a good thing that life is not an exact equation.

I have a desire for control I like things in order, I wish to always know what is happening and what might be coming, therefore I want to account for all the variables and in this case, it does not work.

I carry on then, in a state of uncertainty, and I don't like it...

@London

How wonderful to re-visit a place I love. Faces and Hugs I cherish so much. Internal conflict between bliss, a feeling of sadness and many question marks. I guess we never know how the different paths we choose in our lifes will turn out for us...

Well here is to making the very most of where I am, loving with open arms and working to be the most I can.

Note to self -remember there is a huge world out there for me to discover...

To be the most one can Be...

So, how much should someone invest in other people? Other things, activities they choose as part of their life?

Does anyone want to tell me how much expectations play a role in each one of our lives.
I got to thinking about expectations today. The higger our expectations the bigger the room of dissapointment therefore more hurt feelings.

Is the amount of energy invested in others proporcional to expactations, theirs and ours?

When I think of myself, I understand I have been fighting this battle for many years now. How much I give of me, how much I feel I receive back and the pain it causes my "self" my "ego" my heart!

Is it not easier for me just to [Protect my Heart]? But then... is that being the most I can be? That person that I trully want to be?

I know, as opposed to not knowing, I know that I want to be that person that gives "my all" 100% to everyone in all situations (in possible circunstances). I know that about me as that is who I believe is the most I can be.

However the "heart" break keeps on coming and I feel forced to ask how is it possible to love uncondicionally, everyone and everthing? I've got, or I feel I have still, such a long way to go to learn about the other emotions. The emotions that tamper and confuse this possibility. This giving one "all". I got to deal with my ego's jealousy, insecurity and guilt.

I'll say it out loud... I wish to overcome this "part of the process", I wish to continue to understand my self better, my emotions more greatly and accept and move past the feelings that trap me... the feelings that hold me back and make me doubt my self. My self as the being I want to be, this is... me as the most I can Be.

To be the most one can be.

The question of defining oneself? I read that I could concentrate on being the most I can be, so being who I would really like to be, someone I could say I am proud of. Being me. Being me and being happy, content and satisfied that is the person I am.

Does everything I do define me as that person I would like to trully be?
So, fine it would be amazing to know exactly how to be the most I can be. To be this "all" /"whole" centered person. I might want to start by understanding what I trully don't want.

At this moment it feels harder to know what I do, than what I don't.

As with the thought of defining myself, I wonder to what extent my relationships and what I do for work or to pass my time builds up the parts of who I am.

How much energy should someone invest in these aspects? How much of me should be invested in everyone else? ...

Let it "rain" down on me...

[She stands outside in an open space. The day was long, she awaits the night. Her legs feel the pumping energy from the jog. The rest of her body weighs heavily. As she owns that path, headphones in her hears, she feels strong and secure. At this, she is good... she knows how to run "away", she knows how to be on her own in her self, no one to dissapoint. Her expectations, and only hers, if she wants she will push the limit but only if she so decides. No disapointments. The sky screams pain, the clouds show no more mercy.. it rains! It falls down on her. Her heart beats faster the music intensifies and she runs faster. The path is long but straight, the blue painted carpet she steps, on blasts away the grew around her. The smell of her "negative" energy rushing out from within inside of her. She realises she has been waiting for this realise, for such a long time. She runs faster and faster with no where to go... She is lost within herself but at that moment she wants to reach the feeling of being whole, she believes she deserves it, she craves for it as she has never craved for anything before...
Right in front of her... There He stands. He stands there ahead of her a few meters away. Mobile. Grounded. Strong. Security. Comfort. Passionate. That is what He is. She runs to him, into him, towards his chest she now craves his embrace... whoever He might be... Two heart beats simultaneously synchronize. As they touch, the storm hits it's peak. Peace comes to both... Just and nothing more but strangers in the rain.
She finally opens her eyes and realises how run out she actually is, as there she stands alone with that feeling of loss, of loss of something she Never really had to start.]

{never satisfied} ...

nothing but a film (sex in the city/ typical chick flick) but:

(She finally got what she wanted, she wanted his love and they got married, she wanted him, in her arms everyday and everynight, she got it. She got what she had been fighting for, for so long through so much pain, but she was one of those few, that got what she wanted. And still... the reality of life ain't that sweet, she was scared she had doubts she fell - she made a mistake but she learnt... she realised it might take an effort to mentally understand [when you finally get what you been wanting you need to appreciate it, you need to invest in it, embrace it] ...)

[So self? Why does it seem in our few twenty three years of age... you not sure what you want, you hardly never satisfied or maybe you are temporarily satisfied only ... why you still so insecure, so human, so emotional? -- I read today I should not judge my soul so much as it craves all experience, but self? I need stability and you are driving me crazy.]

... {wishing on satisfaction}

Lost, on my path?

You Don't Have To Move That Mountain - Nickel Creek

You don't have to move that mountain
Just help me Lord to climb it
You don't have to move that stumblin' block
Just show me the way around it

We must climb a great high mountain
To reach God's gracious kingdom
In His words you'll find the strength
If you will just believe them

Well, the way is filled with pitfalls
And sometimes we may falter
You can have His grace, my friend
On your knees down at the altar

You don't have to move that mountain
Just help me Lord to climb it
You don't have to move that stumblin' block
Just show me the way around it

I am not sure if I believe in a "right" or "wrong" path, however I still feel scared when I think I might be drifting from where I should/want to be going.