Weak

These past weeks, maybe months, I have felt nothing but weak.

Has anyone ever noticed how it hurts more when it is people whom we care or supposed to care about that make as feel small? It seems the more someone means to you the more power they have over us. That is one problem, I guess, with romantic relationships. Dependency. Another whole issue is when it is family. Sometimes it is the most simple things, but those tiny annoying sentences or mockeries just don't leave our mind. I guess with all relationships no matter what kind, there is a fundamental concern, the need for respect. Is this interesting concept not the hardest thing to build and the easiest thing to destroy? I have heard before that people only hold upon us the power that we choose to give them. Rationally I choose to give my father and brother no power what so ever. Years seem to have drained the respect and mostly there seems to have built a lot of resentment. Emotionally they seem to have the power to make me cry. So I ask myself, how can this be changed? I actually can't remember in the last three years crying because of either of them and since I have been "back home" it seems it has been quite often. It is when we feel most vulnerable that questions soon take form. Have our decisions been the most correct, are there no other ways? How long can be actually put up with this all. I mean living under someone else's roof is never an easy task. The cycle eventually leads to looking for broader spaces and some sense of independence. What do you do when you have already had a taste of independence and you believed you might not be whole? Then what do you do when you not sure at all about anything. Some days are easier and others are harder. No matter where we are. I just believe it is sad when we realise certain people don't actually contribute that much, or that you can not remember the last time you felt something genuinly soft towards them.

These past days I have felt weak, for a number of reasons I have cried, for a number of reasons I have argued and I have crumbled. I want to stand back on my own two feet.