I am so scared of being hurt.
Monday 27 July 2009
Even though...
People hurt, people suffer, there is a world out there that knows much pain.
I laugh at myself sometimes when I think that I know pain, because in the grander scheme of things, I am nothing more than an insignificant dot. However, with a tear rolling down my face, bitterly scaring my skin I recall how I know pain. I am not unfamiliar with hurt. I hurt when I find myself drifting slowly from so many friends I hold most highly. I hurt when I feel I am not good enough. I hurt when it seems I disappoint my mother and father. I hurt when I find myself recalling I was a bit of an unwanted duck in the adoptive family. I hurt when my emotions take over and it seems I have became darker than lighter... How can I be that amazing young little child that my grandfather described? If only I was that image, that person. I hurt when I think of all the pain I have inside. I hurt when I'm aware of how much I put him through in such a short period of time. I hurt when I think about how I might hurt anyone that feels for me.
I laugh at myself sometimes when I think that I know pain, because in the grander scheme of things, I am nothing more than an insignificant dot. However, with a tear rolling down my face, bitterly scaring my skin I recall how I know pain. I am not unfamiliar with hurt. I hurt when I find myself drifting slowly from so many friends I hold most highly. I hurt when I feel I am not good enough. I hurt when it seems I disappoint my mother and father. I hurt when I find myself recalling I was a bit of an unwanted duck in the adoptive family. I hurt when my emotions take over and it seems I have became darker than lighter... How can I be that amazing young little child that my grandfather described? If only I was that image, that person. I hurt when I think of all the pain I have inside. I hurt when I'm aware of how much I put him through in such a short period of time. I hurt when I think about how I might hurt anyone that feels for me.
Trigger
One simple sentence, can hurt so much.
"Nothing but a trigger..." A sentence, simple in tone, simple in meaning.
One simple sentence, can hurt... not because it is true but because it draws attention to the reality of pain I caused.
I have never seen myself as a very bright person, reality shows me I am able to ignore, avoid and repress effectively at a grater degree than many. I tend not to think. Thinking, again... it hurts. I tend not to want to understand the whole picture when the pieces of the puzzle are not to my liking, then when someone draws the grander image, I crumble as I tended to ignore, repress or not think the whole story through.
"Nothing but a trigger..."
I seem to be able to live my life in a somewhat absence of concern of a everyday bases. This is, until certain days when I feel myself confronted with the issues of hours, months or years. Same days I find myself questioning and the pieces of my puzzle of life always feel scrambled and confusing. Half the time things do not even make sense. It is easy to just let time go by and avoid thinking or feeling things through, it is harder when they surface and you not prepared.
It is so hard for me to think about how I feel, what I felt, what I could feel in the "future".
It is so hard for me to think about how much pain I cause, caused or could came to cause in the "future".
Sometimes, it is so hard for me. But I do not feel the tinniest bit of sympathy towards me.
"Nothing but a trigger..." A sentence, simple in tone, simple in meaning.
One simple sentence, can hurt... not because it is true but because it draws attention to the reality of pain I caused.
I have never seen myself as a very bright person, reality shows me I am able to ignore, avoid and repress effectively at a grater degree than many. I tend not to think. Thinking, again... it hurts. I tend not to want to understand the whole picture when the pieces of the puzzle are not to my liking, then when someone draws the grander image, I crumble as I tended to ignore, repress or not think the whole story through.
"Nothing but a trigger..."
I seem to be able to live my life in a somewhat absence of concern of a everyday bases. This is, until certain days when I feel myself confronted with the issues of hours, months or years. Same days I find myself questioning and the pieces of my puzzle of life always feel scrambled and confusing. Half the time things do not even make sense. It is easy to just let time go by and avoid thinking or feeling things through, it is harder when they surface and you not prepared.
It is so hard for me to think about how I feel, what I felt, what I could feel in the "future".
It is so hard for me to think about how much pain I cause, caused or could came to cause in the "future".
Sometimes, it is so hard for me. But I do not feel the tinniest bit of sympathy towards me.
Tuesday 21 July 2009
A small giant Step
Finally the waiting is over,
Just to make sure I googled it! 2:1!!!
Award of: Bachelor of Science in Psychology with Honours: Second Class Honours (Upper Division).
Just to make sure I googled it! 2:1!!!
Tuesday 7 July 2009
Pain
I can still feel the physical spark inside my body. It seems for years, in a same what continuous way, this spark has lived inside me. It hurts.
(As the arguments in the house seem to occur everyday. As I seem to cause or be the cause of some of them. As I feel unable to give of myself. As I feel there is no justice. As I think I am being selfish contrasted with unworthy. As my head spins, my stomach cramps and I cry silent tears. As my world crumbles.)
I can still feel pain inside me.
Wednesday 1 July 2009
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