No New Year resolutions Yet, I might think of a few in the next hours to come. I just want to grow stronger, happier and succeed!
And can't believe it, it is actually Full Moon!!
To everyone an amazing New Year!
Thursday 31 December 2009
Tuesday 15 December 2009
I guess I just adore listening to voices that I seem to be able to feel. Certain voices just seem capable of showing that little bit extra emotion. Pain. I feel it as I hear it.
Every time I listen to Kings of Leon (for example), I feel the pain. It's not a "problem". I think I need to, once in a while. Feeling emotions, feeling my emotions, I believe is essential.
Every time I listen to Kings of Leon (for example), I feel the pain. It's not a "problem". I think I need to, once in a while. Feeling emotions, feeling my emotions, I believe is essential.
Thursday 10 December 2009
So coollll!!!!
(oohlalala.tumblr.com)
I was so surprised when I found this. I spend my life attempting to live in my "little save bubble" avoiding news. When will the media show positive and significant things to the world? :)
Monday 16 November 2009
Dear Diary
A few days ago I felt like coming to talk to you diary. However I arrived home and my mother asked me if I had been crying, I denied and sat by her side. She slowly fell asleep and my mind grow even more tired of processing thoughts. I had not the energy to explain to you, so that you could more or less understand. I know you have a hard job of trying to make sense of my nonsense.
I begin to understand, some things after they changed, they can not really go back to how they were. Even though I know life is a cycle and things move forward I find it hard to feel things have slipped out my hands, feel things drifted and what used to be my support bloc has morphed. I keep hearing from some people that are dear to me, "people move on, they carry on with their own lives..." sentences with this theme. I mean, sweet diary, I understand, don't I? You know, you followed me while I was on my journey, I myself moved on, I know what it is to have to build a life and live it. I can not remember, did I ever ask you or talk to you about how I thought it would be when I returned? Friends. People know who they friends are because they those few that will always be there for them. I know that, I feel that. But I feel something else? I mean I lost out on a lot of things, important events in everyone's life that I loved. Would it be fair to ask them to trust, confide, relax with me, as once before? I know, I know, I am probably over reacting. I'm divided between a feeling of strong agony and a sense of reality check. It feels hard to be a people person and not feel my people like before.
Maybe I am not only feeling like this because I feel my friendship bar is so low, maybe dear diary, I am also feeling like this because sometimes I think about my decisions. Did I do the right thing by coming back? If only you could give me a straight answer. It is strange to ponder if what actually kept me sane in England was particularly that I was active, I had a purpose. The course, the work, the volunteering. It is so nice to be able to relax, do nothing, watch television, read your favorite books, have time to breath but then on the other hand... I kind of want to be ridiculously busy with those things that make me feel useful. I wonder is this how retired people feel? But when I am honest with myself I sense fear inside me. It is incredibly strange how I am able to pass from feeling indestructibly to feeling helpless.
So I leave here, diary dear, just a few words.
I begin to understand, some things after they changed, they can not really go back to how they were. Even though I know life is a cycle and things move forward I find it hard to feel things have slipped out my hands, feel things drifted and what used to be my support bloc has morphed. I keep hearing from some people that are dear to me, "people move on, they carry on with their own lives..." sentences with this theme. I mean, sweet diary, I understand, don't I? You know, you followed me while I was on my journey, I myself moved on, I know what it is to have to build a life and live it. I can not remember, did I ever ask you or talk to you about how I thought it would be when I returned? Friends. People know who they friends are because they those few that will always be there for them. I know that, I feel that. But I feel something else? I mean I lost out on a lot of things, important events in everyone's life that I loved. Would it be fair to ask them to trust, confide, relax with me, as once before? I know, I know, I am probably over reacting. I'm divided between a feeling of strong agony and a sense of reality check. It feels hard to be a people person and not feel my people like before.
Maybe I am not only feeling like this because I feel my friendship bar is so low, maybe dear diary, I am also feeling like this because sometimes I think about my decisions. Did I do the right thing by coming back? If only you could give me a straight answer. It is strange to ponder if what actually kept me sane in England was particularly that I was active, I had a purpose. The course, the work, the volunteering. It is so nice to be able to relax, do nothing, watch television, read your favorite books, have time to breath but then on the other hand... I kind of want to be ridiculously busy with those things that make me feel useful. I wonder is this how retired people feel? But when I am honest with myself I sense fear inside me. It is incredibly strange how I am able to pass from feeling indestructibly to feeling helpless.
So I leave here, diary dear, just a few words.
Monday 2 November 2009
"This Is It"
Music can equal Love.
I left the cinema room with one overall question, among a few:
What do I do with My Life?
Friday 30 October 2009
Weak
These past weeks, maybe months, I have felt nothing but weak.
Has anyone ever noticed how it hurts more when it is people whom we care or supposed to care about that make as feel small? It seems the more someone means to you the more power they have over us. That is one problem, I guess, with romantic relationships. Dependency. Another whole issue is when it is family. Sometimes it is the most simple things, but those tiny annoying sentences or mockeries just don't leave our mind. I guess with all relationships no matter what kind, there is a fundamental concern, the need for respect. Is this interesting concept not the hardest thing to build and the easiest thing to destroy? I have heard before that people only hold upon us the power that we choose to give them. Rationally I choose to give my father and brother no power what so ever. Years seem to have drained the respect and mostly there seems to have built a lot of resentment. Emotionally they seem to have the power to make me cry. So I ask myself, how can this be changed? I actually can't remember in the last three years crying because of either of them and since I have been "back home" it seems it has been quite often. It is when we feel most vulnerable that questions soon take form. Have our decisions been the most correct, are there no other ways? How long can be actually put up with this all. I mean living under someone else's roof is never an easy task. The cycle eventually leads to looking for broader spaces and some sense of independence. What do you do when you have already had a taste of independence and you believed you might not be whole? Then what do you do when you not sure at all about anything. Some days are easier and others are harder. No matter where we are. I just believe it is sad when we realise certain people don't actually contribute that much, or that you can not remember the last time you felt something genuinly soft towards them.
These past days I have felt weak, for a number of reasons I have cried, for a number of reasons I have argued and I have crumbled. I want to stand back on my own two feet.
Has anyone ever noticed how it hurts more when it is people whom we care or supposed to care about that make as feel small? It seems the more someone means to you the more power they have over us. That is one problem, I guess, with romantic relationships. Dependency. Another whole issue is when it is family. Sometimes it is the most simple things, but those tiny annoying sentences or mockeries just don't leave our mind. I guess with all relationships no matter what kind, there is a fundamental concern, the need for respect. Is this interesting concept not the hardest thing to build and the easiest thing to destroy? I have heard before that people only hold upon us the power that we choose to give them. Rationally I choose to give my father and brother no power what so ever. Years seem to have drained the respect and mostly there seems to have built a lot of resentment. Emotionally they seem to have the power to make me cry. So I ask myself, how can this be changed? I actually can't remember in the last three years crying because of either of them and since I have been "back home" it seems it has been quite often. It is when we feel most vulnerable that questions soon take form. Have our decisions been the most correct, are there no other ways? How long can be actually put up with this all. I mean living under someone else's roof is never an easy task. The cycle eventually leads to looking for broader spaces and some sense of independence. What do you do when you have already had a taste of independence and you believed you might not be whole? Then what do you do when you not sure at all about anything. Some days are easier and others are harder. No matter where we are. I just believe it is sad when we realise certain people don't actually contribute that much, or that you can not remember the last time you felt something genuinly soft towards them.
These past days I have felt weak, for a number of reasons I have cried, for a number of reasons I have argued and I have crumbled. I want to stand back on my own two feet.
Sunday 18 October 2009
Sometimes a Girl cries
Sometimes I think about time. People say things do not live forever. Science says things transform, change. Somewhere I learned what we see, hear, smell and feel is nothing more than chemistry. Hormones and chemical impulses will they last for all my time?
I guess I fear when It all fades away.
I guess I fear when It all fades away.
Saturday 17 October 2009
Different Worlds
So she finally remarked internally: "My friends are my friends; Your friends are your friends"
Sometimes things are not exactly how she imagines them. It does not mean that is a problem. She begins to learn somethings are out of her control and can not be forced. She is young at heart. She will understand better as time goes on.
Sometimes things are not exactly how she imagines them. It does not mean that is a problem. She begins to learn somethings are out of her control and can not be forced. She is young at heart. She will understand better as time goes on.
Wednesday 14 October 2009
Fame
The film
Makes me want to believe.
Makes me want to believe.
"Hold your dream - Naturi Naughton"
Countless hours of learning more
Countless hours of knowing less
Can't look behind you
You have to look ahead.
So many doubts running through your mind
All the excuses
Don't have the time
All the rejection you have to leave behind
Leave it all behind
Hold your dreams
Don't ever let it go
Be yourself
And let the world take notice
You'll find strength
When people bring you down
They will see
If you will only, only believe
Someway, Somehow
Don't give up now
Don't be afraid to succeed
Someway, somehow
The time is right now
Don't be afraid to succeed
Hold your dreams
Don't ever let it go
Be yourself
And let the world take notice
You'll find strength
When people bring you down
They will see
If you will only, only believe.
Countless hours of learning more
Countless hours of knowing less
Can't look behind you
You have to look ahead.
So many doubts running through your mind
All the excuses
Don't have the time
All the rejection you have to leave behind
Leave it all behind
Hold your dreams
Don't ever let it go
Be yourself
And let the world take notice
You'll find strength
When people bring you down
They will see
If you will only, only believe
Someway, Somehow
Don't give up now
Don't be afraid to succeed
Someway, somehow
The time is right now
Don't be afraid to succeed
Hold your dreams
Don't ever let it go
Be yourself
And let the world take notice
You'll find strength
When people bring you down
They will see
If you will only, only believe.
Saturday 22 August 2009
Hold me and rise me up. Pull me close and hold me tight. I feel secure in your arms. Give me what you are, I want to take you as it comes. Just please, be strong and confident, tell me where, when and how. I am looking for same direction, so rase your head up high and start... Come on... take charge of me now.
"You know you really love a woman"
-> "Brian Adams - To really love a woman"
... And you really know you like someone, when, something happens, and even though you really feel you did nothing wrong, you still feel like crap. Somehow they can make you feel like you did do something wrong and so you feel bad. I guess it is the price to pay to know how important that someone can be.
... And you really know you like someone, when, something happens, and even though you really feel you did nothing wrong, you still feel like crap. Somehow they can make you feel like you did do something wrong and so you feel bad. I guess it is the price to pay to know how important that someone can be.
Monday 27 July 2009
Even though...
People hurt, people suffer, there is a world out there that knows much pain.
I laugh at myself sometimes when I think that I know pain, because in the grander scheme of things, I am nothing more than an insignificant dot. However, with a tear rolling down my face, bitterly scaring my skin I recall how I know pain. I am not unfamiliar with hurt. I hurt when I find myself drifting slowly from so many friends I hold most highly. I hurt when I feel I am not good enough. I hurt when it seems I disappoint my mother and father. I hurt when I find myself recalling I was a bit of an unwanted duck in the adoptive family. I hurt when my emotions take over and it seems I have became darker than lighter... How can I be that amazing young little child that my grandfather described? If only I was that image, that person. I hurt when I think of all the pain I have inside. I hurt when I'm aware of how much I put him through in such a short period of time. I hurt when I think about how I might hurt anyone that feels for me.
I laugh at myself sometimes when I think that I know pain, because in the grander scheme of things, I am nothing more than an insignificant dot. However, with a tear rolling down my face, bitterly scaring my skin I recall how I know pain. I am not unfamiliar with hurt. I hurt when I find myself drifting slowly from so many friends I hold most highly. I hurt when I feel I am not good enough. I hurt when it seems I disappoint my mother and father. I hurt when I find myself recalling I was a bit of an unwanted duck in the adoptive family. I hurt when my emotions take over and it seems I have became darker than lighter... How can I be that amazing young little child that my grandfather described? If only I was that image, that person. I hurt when I think of all the pain I have inside. I hurt when I'm aware of how much I put him through in such a short period of time. I hurt when I think about how I might hurt anyone that feels for me.
Trigger
One simple sentence, can hurt so much.
"Nothing but a trigger..." A sentence, simple in tone, simple in meaning.
One simple sentence, can hurt... not because it is true but because it draws attention to the reality of pain I caused.
I have never seen myself as a very bright person, reality shows me I am able to ignore, avoid and repress effectively at a grater degree than many. I tend not to think. Thinking, again... it hurts. I tend not to want to understand the whole picture when the pieces of the puzzle are not to my liking, then when someone draws the grander image, I crumble as I tended to ignore, repress or not think the whole story through.
"Nothing but a trigger..."
I seem to be able to live my life in a somewhat absence of concern of a everyday bases. This is, until certain days when I feel myself confronted with the issues of hours, months or years. Same days I find myself questioning and the pieces of my puzzle of life always feel scrambled and confusing. Half the time things do not even make sense. It is easy to just let time go by and avoid thinking or feeling things through, it is harder when they surface and you not prepared.
It is so hard for me to think about how I feel, what I felt, what I could feel in the "future".
It is so hard for me to think about how much pain I cause, caused or could came to cause in the "future".
Sometimes, it is so hard for me. But I do not feel the tinniest bit of sympathy towards me.
"Nothing but a trigger..." A sentence, simple in tone, simple in meaning.
One simple sentence, can hurt... not because it is true but because it draws attention to the reality of pain I caused.
I have never seen myself as a very bright person, reality shows me I am able to ignore, avoid and repress effectively at a grater degree than many. I tend not to think. Thinking, again... it hurts. I tend not to want to understand the whole picture when the pieces of the puzzle are not to my liking, then when someone draws the grander image, I crumble as I tended to ignore, repress or not think the whole story through.
"Nothing but a trigger..."
I seem to be able to live my life in a somewhat absence of concern of a everyday bases. This is, until certain days when I feel myself confronted with the issues of hours, months or years. Same days I find myself questioning and the pieces of my puzzle of life always feel scrambled and confusing. Half the time things do not even make sense. It is easy to just let time go by and avoid thinking or feeling things through, it is harder when they surface and you not prepared.
It is so hard for me to think about how I feel, what I felt, what I could feel in the "future".
It is so hard for me to think about how much pain I cause, caused or could came to cause in the "future".
Sometimes, it is so hard for me. But I do not feel the tinniest bit of sympathy towards me.
Tuesday 21 July 2009
A small giant Step
Finally the waiting is over,
Just to make sure I googled it! 2:1!!!
Award of: Bachelor of Science in Psychology with Honours: Second Class Honours (Upper Division).
Just to make sure I googled it! 2:1!!!
Tuesday 7 July 2009
Pain
I can still feel the physical spark inside my body. It seems for years, in a same what continuous way, this spark has lived inside me. It hurts.
(As the arguments in the house seem to occur everyday. As I seem to cause or be the cause of some of them. As I feel unable to give of myself. As I feel there is no justice. As I think I am being selfish contrasted with unworthy. As my head spins, my stomach cramps and I cry silent tears. As my world crumbles.)
I can still feel pain inside me.
Wednesday 1 July 2009
Monday 29 June 2009
Growing_Up
I guess no-one wants to really grow older. I do not want to have to grow up. Time passes, and so I am forced to confront many of my deepest fears. Changes begin as one small obstacle has been overcome, university undergraduate degree completed, and soon I will find out how well so. Graduation still feels like such a major thing to me. The world out_there scares me though. I tremor inside with a few thoughts, facing the wide "future" being one of them! It is always amazing to look back and recall how little one thought about where they would be later on, as in now. Time really just seems to pass, we need to live with it I guess, not against it! But is sure is easy, to get dragged along!
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