To be the most one can Be...

So, how much should someone invest in other people? Other things, activities they choose as part of their life?

Does anyone want to tell me how much expectations play a role in each one of our lives.
I got to thinking about expectations today. The higger our expectations the bigger the room of dissapointment therefore more hurt feelings.

Is the amount of energy invested in others proporcional to expactations, theirs and ours?

When I think of myself, I understand I have been fighting this battle for many years now. How much I give of me, how much I feel I receive back and the pain it causes my "self" my "ego" my heart!

Is it not easier for me just to [Protect my Heart]? But then... is that being the most I can be? That person that I trully want to be?

I know, as opposed to not knowing, I know that I want to be that person that gives "my all" 100% to everyone in all situations (in possible circunstances). I know that about me as that is who I believe is the most I can be.

However the "heart" break keeps on coming and I feel forced to ask how is it possible to love uncondicionally, everyone and everthing? I've got, or I feel I have still, such a long way to go to learn about the other emotions. The emotions that tamper and confuse this possibility. This giving one "all". I got to deal with my ego's jealousy, insecurity and guilt.

I'll say it out loud... I wish to overcome this "part of the process", I wish to continue to understand my self better, my emotions more greatly and accept and move past the feelings that trap me... the feelings that hold me back and make me doubt my self. My self as the being I want to be, this is... me as the most I can Be.

To be the most one can be.

The question of defining oneself? I read that I could concentrate on being the most I can be, so being who I would really like to be, someone I could say I am proud of. Being me. Being me and being happy, content and satisfied that is the person I am.

Does everything I do define me as that person I would like to trully be?
So, fine it would be amazing to know exactly how to be the most I can be. To be this "all" /"whole" centered person. I might want to start by understanding what I trully don't want.

At this moment it feels harder to know what I do, than what I don't.

As with the thought of defining myself, I wonder to what extent my relationships and what I do for work or to pass my time builds up the parts of who I am.

How much energy should someone invest in these aspects? How much of me should be invested in everyone else? ...

Let it "rain" down on me...

[She stands outside in an open space. The day was long, she awaits the night. Her legs feel the pumping energy from the jog. The rest of her body weighs heavily. As she owns that path, headphones in her hears, she feels strong and secure. At this, she is good... she knows how to run "away", she knows how to be on her own in her self, no one to dissapoint. Her expectations, and only hers, if she wants she will push the limit but only if she so decides. No disapointments. The sky screams pain, the clouds show no more mercy.. it rains! It falls down on her. Her heart beats faster the music intensifies and she runs faster. The path is long but straight, the blue painted carpet she steps, on blasts away the grew around her. The smell of her "negative" energy rushing out from within inside of her. She realises she has been waiting for this realise, for such a long time. She runs faster and faster with no where to go... She is lost within herself but at that moment she wants to reach the feeling of being whole, she believes she deserves it, she craves for it as she has never craved for anything before...
Right in front of her... There He stands. He stands there ahead of her a few meters away. Mobile. Grounded. Strong. Security. Comfort. Passionate. That is what He is. She runs to him, into him, towards his chest she now craves his embrace... whoever He might be... Two heart beats simultaneously synchronize. As they touch, the storm hits it's peak. Peace comes to both... Just and nothing more but strangers in the rain.
She finally opens her eyes and realises how run out she actually is, as there she stands alone with that feeling of loss, of loss of something she Never really had to start.]

{never satisfied} ...

nothing but a film (sex in the city/ typical chick flick) but:

(She finally got what she wanted, she wanted his love and they got married, she wanted him, in her arms everyday and everynight, she got it. She got what she had been fighting for, for so long through so much pain, but she was one of those few, that got what she wanted. And still... the reality of life ain't that sweet, she was scared she had doubts she fell - she made a mistake but she learnt... she realised it might take an effort to mentally understand [when you finally get what you been wanting you need to appreciate it, you need to invest in it, embrace it] ...)

[So self? Why does it seem in our few twenty three years of age... you not sure what you want, you hardly never satisfied or maybe you are temporarily satisfied only ... why you still so insecure, so human, so emotional? -- I read today I should not judge my soul so much as it craves all experience, but self? I need stability and you are driving me crazy.]

... {wishing on satisfaction}

Lost, on my path?

You Don't Have To Move That Mountain - Nickel Creek

You don't have to move that mountain
Just help me Lord to climb it
You don't have to move that stumblin' block
Just show me the way around it

We must climb a great high mountain
To reach God's gracious kingdom
In His words you'll find the strength
If you will just believe them

Well, the way is filled with pitfalls
And sometimes we may falter
You can have His grace, my friend
On your knees down at the altar

You don't have to move that mountain
Just help me Lord to climb it
You don't have to move that stumblin' block
Just show me the way around it

I am not sure if I believe in a "right" or "wrong" path, however I still feel scared when I think I might be drifting from where I should/want to be going.

My mommy tells me...

My mommy tells me, I have a problem with letting go.

I guess people became attached to other people and some let go better than others. I've always loved being part of a group and I feel excited, happy, myself when I am interacting. I like to talk I love to listen I thoroughly enjoy learning about other people and their minds.

My mommy tells me, that as we grow up, we begin a different stage and group friendships are harder to maintain. As time passes my circle of friends evolve and transform but not everything can stay the same, I understand this rationally. Emotionally I don't like it. I don't want it to be the way it is.

Situations in a group can lead to alterations; people get together fall apart, group dynamics modified. We learn to adjust but I find this harder... I strangely try to hold on but find myself losing the battle. I can't always keep my group of friends the same in time.

Dependency versus being an independent individual... somehow the sentence my mommy tells me, you are not defined by your group of friends... rings a bit strange in my mind. Am I not?

It is all a case of balance, life I know.
Balancing that side of myself that is independent with that side that is not; I'm still learning to let go...

An urge to be significant in the life of the ones I love. An unsustainable feeling to try and hold that "special" place in someone's life, the threat of that place being replaced by someone else... Why am I so "insecure" "jealous" "selfish"???

Complicated questions as I still, try to figure out the lines, the subtle differences in my emotions.

My mommy tells me life changes as I grow up... Today I feel like a little girl trying to deal with a big, big world.